PERSONAL ADS
Female elf seeking genuine professional male for romance. Maturity is essential so applicants under 1,000 years old need not apply. A passion for the forests would be welcome.
Loth Lilanial arboreal! (Trees Forever!)
Fearsome Uruk-hai warrior wants female for breeding. Rough stuff only. Must be fertile. Taste for man-flesh an absolute must.
Feisty shield maiden of Rohan looking for handsome warrior for a roll in the grassy plains. Proviso: no threesomes - leave the horse at home.
WASP wizard in search of duplicitous witch to share his ivory tower. Must have no sense of humour. Let's make black magic together.
Hungry hobbit seeks comely wench for fun and food. Must be a good cook. I appreciate the good things in life so you provide the taters, I'll bring the coney and let's make stew together!
Lonely balrog needs a hot female to share the cosy depths of Moria. Must be monstrous in form. If you're looking for a fiery romance, I'm your balrog boy in heat.
Son of Gondor Steward seeking doughty lady. Must be attractive, intelligent, passiona- oh, what am I saying? I don't want a bride. I want The Ring. Does anyone out there know where I can find The Ring? It's just a small, trifling thing....honest! I just really, really need to have it. Right now. So hand it over. Or else!
Nasty Ringwraith in search of loathesome bride. An ability to shriek in the night would be useful. Must be adept at riding demon steeds. Also fond of killing.....well, anything really.
All queries sent to: Nazgul # 7, c/o Barad-dur, Mordor
Fine looking male elf looking for fun and frolics in the woods. Recently divorced after 1,218 years of marriage. After more than a millenium of constant nagging, I need a passionate, loving lady with a listening pointy ear.
Single orc seeks female with rotten teeth and yellow eyes. Must have gsoh and be handy with a scimitar. A depraved sexual appetite a distinct advantage.
ASK AUNTY ARWEN.....
Having problems with the spouse? Disorders of a neurotic or psychological nature? Are you in dispute with a quarrelsome neighbour?
Aunty Arwen, elf princess of Middle Earth and qualified counsellor, is on hand to resolve your problems with shrewd insight and sensitivity.
Dear Aunty Arwen
My husband, a Rohan warrior, is spending more time with his horse (Sun Swift) than with me. I know we’re an equine nation but it’s been getting out of hand. He forgot my birthday but on the same day, hand-crafted a beautiful bridle for what he calls “my four-legged soul-mate”.
We had a terrible row last night and I threw him out and told him to go sleep with Sun Swift. I thought that might do the trick but now he’s moved all his gear into the stable. I’m at my wits end. What can I do?
Alowyn of ROHAN
Dear Alowyn
What’s your problem? You must know that when you marry into the Rohirrim, the horse comes as part of the package. Appease your husband by buying Sun Swift some tasty oats and a blanket.
If that doesn’t work, go and get shacked up with a Gondor man and leave them to it.
Dear Aunty Arwen
Please help. I can’t work in the fields no longer ‘cos I’ve growed so fat from eating coney pie and drinking beer. My wife scolds me constant and feeds me only three meals a day (no Elevens’es, Afternoon Tea or Supper). I think and dream about food all the time and I’m so hungry I could nearly die.
Talbot Bracegirdle, HOBBITTON
Dear Talbot
If you were from any other race, I would recommend a strict diet of fruit and vegetables and a two month abstention from alcohol. But, for Valar’s sake, you’re a hobbit! Your people are renowned throughout Middle Earth for your excessive nutritional disorders.
Why don’t you complain about being too short and having hairy feet while you’re at it?
Just stop whining. Go eat, drink and smoke yourself silly, there’s a good fellow.
Dear Aunty arwen
I’m a ringwraith currently on duty at barad-dur. our boss, lord sauron, has changed our mode of transport to flying demon steeds. the problem is, I have an uncontrollable fear of heights and these operational flights over gondor are making me sick. The maniacal screeches heard by the citizens of minAs tirith as I fly over the city are actually screams of terror from my chronic vertigo.
Any suggestions?
Ringwraith 3, barad-dur, mordor
Ps. No offence about trying to murder your fiancee.
Dear Ringraith # 3
There are, apparently, herbal medicines available for this kind of disorder.
I also understand that Gwaihir the Great Eagle is offering special flights for those with vertiginous anxieties.(however, the Windlord is a little choosy about the calibre of his passengers) You may also find that self hypnosis could be useful.
PS. None taken.
Dear Aunty Arwen
I suspect that my wife is having a secret affair with an elf. She keeps muttering the Elvish tongue in her sleep.
And every day she tells me that I’m getting old and why can’t I be immortal like the Elvish folk?
And I found strands of fine hair the colour of sunshine in a locket which she reckons is from our golden retriever who died last winter.
And she’s also taken to sleeping in trees which most of the neighbours think is a bit weird.
Please put my mind at rest and tell me I’m being foolish.
Dorathirn, GONDOR
Dear Dorathirn
Foolish Man, of course she’s seeing an elf! It’s as obvious as a pile of Oliphaunt dung on a Gondor Plain.
Look on the bright side. Losing your wife to an elf is better than losing her to another Man. You should be pleased she’s found someone who will always be young and never grow old. And our elvish men-folk are excellent lovers…….so be happy for her.
I hope I’ve put your mind at rest.
Dear Aunty Arwen
I’m a lance-corporal in a battalion of orcs and I’m having terrible problems at work. I was cursed with a fine set of teeth and all my hair so the rest of the Company mock and humiliate me on a daily basis. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be called “Pretty Boy” and “Freak” by your own comrades? To be sexually harrassed by randy orc chieftans just because your eyes are blue instead of red?
Any advice much appreciated.
Blagrat, 2nd ORC BATTALION, LUGBURZ
Dear Blagrat
Don’t believe all that rubbish about the Inner You and It’s-Who-You-Are-That-Counts…...appearances matter and you need to change yours fast!
There is an itinerant dentist in Middle Earth who specializes in disfigurement - I’m sure he can sort out your unusually perfect teeth.
If you still feel the need for facial mutilation, I know a great many Elves and Men who would be happy to facilitate you free of charge.
To orcs, uruk-hai, ghouls, goblins, ringwraiths
and all manner of despicable creatures......
DENTAL TREATMENT NOW AVAILABLE!
Need a few teeth chipped or smashed in to create
that extra special grimace?
Smile at your enemies and watch them crumble
How about those incisors filed down to a sharp point?
Excellent for tearing the flesh off a Man drumstick
Cosmetic Dentistry also included - teeth staining in Orc-Eye Yellow or
Moria Black for that ghastly visage.
Put the fear of Valar into those hygiene obsessed elves.
Bad breath? Aching teeth? Bleeding gums?
All disorders aggravated to suit your requirements
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You too
can be the hardest looking, odious dark warrior
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Earn the respect and admiration of your comrades.
"You name the place - and I'll trash your face"
E.L.V.E.S
Elves are too damned perfect
They're pure as fresh snow,
No vice or bad habits
It's not natural, you know.
There's no swear words in Elvish
No way to blaspheme
No cursing or swearing
To let off some steam.
Elves don't burp after lunch
Or pick their noble noses,
Or bite their regal nails
Or grow dirt between their toes-es.
Elves don't mess with narcotics
Or smoke if they're asked,
They'll turn down a joint
of best Hobbiton grass.
Elves don't fart in the forest
Or piss up a tree
Or crap by a bush -
It's a Royal decree.
Elves don't drink themselves blind
On Lothlorian ale
And greet the next day in
Deciduous jail.
Enchanting Loving Very Ethereal Selves
are ELVES.
And as dull and boring
As putting up shelves
THE GIVING OF GIFTS
The Fellowship are about to depart Lothlorien. The fair GALADRIEL approaches.
GALADRIEL: “You are to embark on a perilous quest. But before you depart, there are gifts I wish to bestow on you”. (The elves unwrap some garments) I give to the Fellowship these Elven cloaks of the finest web weave. They have the hue of rock and branch and leaf so that wherever you may journey, you will be out of sight of unfriendly eyes.
The Fellowship is approached from behind and a cloak is placed about each of them, fastened by an intricate green leaf brooch. The cloaks are dazzlingly garish, coloured in fluorescent pink, bright yellow and deep scarlet.
They glance at the cloaks disdainfully and manage a weak smile of thanks.
GALADRIEL turns to BOROMIR
“Boromir, son of Gondor, I give you a belt wrought entirely of gold, conceived by our most gifted kindred”.
The shining golden belt, inscribed with Elven script is handed over to BOROMIR. It’s obviously very heavy.
BOROMIR inserts the belt through his lower garments and around his waist - the belt falls to the ground with a loud clunk!, followed by his leggings which drop to his ankles.
BOROMIR, bare-legged, sighs, shakes his head and mutters “Elves”.
GALADRIEL turns to LEGOLAS. “To you, Legolas, son of Thranduil, I give a mighty bow such as that used by the Galadhrim. And a quiver full of our finest arrows”.
The gifts are passed to an expectant LEGOLAS, as GALADRIEL moves on.
He’s somewhat disappointed to see that the quiver contains toy arrows with black rubber suction caps. Undaunted, he takes the bow, a beautifully carved weapon, strung with finest elf-hair. As he pulls back the string, it breaks in two with a dull twang!
(to GIMLI) “Gimli, son of Gloin. I have considered your bold request. I would never have expected to receive an entreaty so bold and yet so courteous from a dwarf. You asked for a single strand of my hair, for a part of myself that you may treasure the memory of our meeting. I believe I have surpassed your expectations”.
GIMLI is handed a small, silver box, shaped like a leaf. He opens it excitedly and is somewhat appalled to see three toe-nail clippings.
She approaches MERRY and PIPPIN. “These are daggers of the Noldorin, crafted by elves of another Age. May you both find your courage….
Each of the hobbits is handed a silver dagger in an elaborately designed sheaths.
As MERRY examines the craftsmanship of his dagger, the blade drops out of the handle.
PIPPIN mockingly stabs MERRY with the point of his dagger - and the blade bends back like rubber.
SAM is next in line.
“Samwise Gamgee, your skills as a gardener and grower of life is much esteemed by the elves. You shall have a gift worthy of your talents.
He is given a gift carefully covered with golden leaves. SAM carefully unwraps it to discover a brightly painted, rather tacky Garden Gnome. SAM is speechless.
GALADRIEL glances at Aragorn.
For you, Aragorn son of Arathorn, a precious stone that is entrusted to you as a token of hope. Take this with the name that was foretold for you, Elessar of the House of Elendil.
A large emerald jewel that looks suspiciously like cheap green glass is embedded in a silver brooch. Galadriel pins it over his heart. Aragorn lets out half a squeal, then bites his tongue as the pin from the brooch draws blood.
Finally, she comes to FRODO
And finally, Frodo Baggins, Ringbearer, I reserve for you the greatest gift of all.
He reaches out and receives one end of a large Christmas cracker. FRODO and GALADRIEL pull the cracker and a gift drops out. FRODO picks it up
This is the light of Earendil’s star. May it be a light to you in dark places when all other lights go out.
FRODO is holding a small torch and looking at it dejectedly. He switches it on, it glimmers pathetically, then goes out. FRODO shakes it - to no avail.
The Fellowship leave on their boats with fond farewells to Galadriel As they paddle round the bend in the river, they simultaneously and wordlessly drop their gifts in the water.
RE: PROPOSED DEVELOPMENT OF McDonald’s BRANCH
Dear Esteemed Lady Galadriel
We were most disappointed to receive your letter in response to our proposal.
Lothlorien wood is an ideal location to develop a restaurant renowned for its excellence in appetizing, ready-made cuisine.
May we reiterate that only a fraction of your beautiful forest would be felled for herds of grazing cattle. We at McDonald's do not believe in wastage so the lumber could be sold as firewood. Naturally, any elves dwelling in the aforementioned trees would be given ample warning before the commencement of operations.
The restaurant would be furnished in the most tasteful decor, entirely in keeping with the arboreal nature of Lothlorien. Many aspects of the restaurant will feature a laquered wood finish - chairs, tables and toilet seats - so that when eating at our establishment, the gentle Elvish folk will feel right at home.
You have mentioned that our efforts to install other branches in Middle Earth have been a failure. Not so! We now have three branches in the Shire where demand for Double-Triple Macs has far outstripped supply.
The scurrilous rumours that the orcs at Barad-dur branch were devouring Man-burgers is entirely false, a rumour initiated by the Gondor media, and an action in which we are seeking legal redress.
However, we do have to concur that there was indeed an unfortunate and highly unusual error in which the Riders of Rohan were, essentially, consuming burgers comprised of horse-flesh. This has now been remedied and McDonald’s are compensating Rohan warriors for the ensuing counselling fees.
As a special dispensation to you and your people, the Directors at McDonald's have agreed to authorize a special and unique menu for our Elvish customers. Consider the tantalizing delights of a Mirkwood Mac, a McCeleborn Special, a Legolas Lunch and Rivendell Ribs.
In the event that you should reconsider our proposal and allow us the opportunity to construct and develop the Lothlorien branch, McDonald's would, no doubt, enjoy a considerably long and happy association with our immortal customers.
Respectfully
McDonald’s Restaurant Corporation
CURRICULUM VITAE
of
ARAGORN
Name:......................Aragorn II, son of Arathorn;
Strider the Ranger and 16th and last
Address: Chieftan of the Dunedain of Arnor;
Thengel;
Ecthelion;
Thorongil;
Telephone: Captain of the Host of the West at the
E-Mail: Black Gate of Mordor;
Date of Birth: bearer of the Star of the North;
Present Occupation: Elfstone the Healer of the line of
Qualifications: Valendil;
Telcontar;
Envinyatar the Renewer;
King Elessar of the Reunited Kingdom
of Gondor at the end of the Third Age;
Isildur's heir and wielder of Anduril,
the Flame of the West, the sword that
was broken and re-forged anew;
Work Experience: Elendil's Son of Numenor,
commander of the Dead Men of
Dunharrow;
succeeding leader of the Fellowship
of the Ring;
betrothed to Arwen, Undomiel,
daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell;
Interests: friend and ally of Mithrandir, Gandalf
the Grey;
chosen kinsman to Eomer of Rohan.
…………….....Royal Palace
Minas Tirith
Gondor
Middle Earth
CONFESSIONS OF AN ORC
The astonishing and surprisingly intimate story of Shag-nak, an orc warrior who dared to be different. The following excerpts are taken from Shag-nak's personal diary, "I FOUGHT FOR SAURON", soon to be released as an autobiography.
3rd November, 3018
Had to attend yet another speech by the political officers.
"Death to the golden-haired men of Rohan!"
"To the blood soaked victors belong the spoils" etc, etc
Everyone else in the legion seemed to be hailing and cheering left, right and centre. Frankly, I can't really see the point. It all seems a bit.....overbearing.
Maybe I should get a transfer to Admin.
28th November, 3018
We've been marching for 6 days now and my feet are killing me. I never really noticed before but my comrades stink. I mean really stink! It's a combination of leather, sweaty armpits, unwashed feet and bad breath. It's no wonder the last band of Men we came across fled before us in terror.
8th December, 3018
Got ambushed by some hard looking Gondor guys. An arrow just missed me and hit Glob-jat in the eye. I literally wet myself in fear. Decided to play dead for a while so I lay about on the ground while the skirmish ("skirmish" they call it - more like a pitched battle) raged around me.
Smothered someone else's blood on my face and chest, then afterwards told everyone it was just a flesh wound and I didn't need to see the MO (Medical Orc). If only they knew.
17th December, 3018
Tripe again for breakfast. Tripe for lunch. Tripe for dinner with a rabbit head thrown in. Washed it down with orc liquor.
What I'd give for a decent chicken salad.
Sometimes I feel like I just don't fit in.
2nd January, 3019
Saw an elf today. My comrades tried chasing after him but he was gone like the wind. Elves are quite handsome creatures - and they really know how to look after themselves. Not one blackened tooth or hair out place....not like this pig-ugly bunch of degenerates.
(I wish I'd been born an elf)
11th January, 3019
(4.10 pm)
Been thinking about the future. I mean, what happens when the war's over? Who will take care of all the sword-slashed amputees and battle fatigued casualties? What happens to the old veteran orcs in their frail dotage?
Wrote a series of proposals, including setting up an Old Orcs Home somewhere in Lower Mordor near the marshes. Handed in the ideas to Brak-nak, our sergeant.
(4.13 pm)
Got a severe beating from the guys.
I’m much aggrieved about this since it was mainly for their benefit.
I now have a disjointed arm, a black eye, less teeth than when I started, and a dislocated jaw. Ironically, I now look harder and more fearsome than anyone else…..but that doesn’t stop them calling me “Yellow Belly” and “Elf Lover”
21st January, 3019
We have the day off - which I always hate. There’s nothing like hanging out with a bored bunch of testosterone-filled orcs to get you really depressed.
Main entertainment consists of THE SNARLING GAME- the best snarler gets a bottle of orc liquor
Then there’s THE SQUIRREL GAME - the one who can torture a squirrel the most imaginatively gets….a bottle of orc liquor.
And hey, don’t forget THE RABBIT GAME - farting down a rabbit hole, then pulling out the stunned bunnies. Reward, yeah, you’ve guessed it - a bottle of orc liquor.
I nearly suggested a change of routine such as CHARADES or BINGO but I dropped the idea.
I took off to the woods and dozed under a tree (I’m gaining a real liking for trees)
31st January, 3019
Got caught washing my armpits in a stream and singing an Elvish song - I’m now on a disciplinary for hygiene offences and blasphemy.
May be sent to a penal battalion as arrow-fodder. Could things get any worse?
1st February, 3019
We’re marching to Minas Tirith - things just got worse.
CHEERLEADERS
The dawn sunlight glints on shield and spear as the muster begins for the Rohirrim.
Theobald the King leads his grim faced warriors to combat the fell
hosts of Mordor. Each man in search of honour and victory and deeds of battle for which songs will be written in this Age and the next.
As they depart, they are met by a wondrous sight, little seen in all of Middle Earth...
ten fair maidens, in bright and glittering apparel, immodest in their garb yet
happy in demeanour, waving shining spheres that glint in the sun,
their strange movements and chanting a joy to behold.....
"Riders of Rohan, Look so fine,
Riders of Rohan, Mine, all mine,
Ride those horses through the night
Carry those shields, shining bright
Riders of Rohan, Go to war!
Riders of Rohan, gimme some more!
Over the Plains and down the hill,
Bust their guts - kill, kill, kill!
Riders of Rohan, you're the best,
Riders of Rohan never rest
Crush those orcs, slash and maim,
Kick their butts - WIN THAT GAME!
Gimme an R......"R!"
Gimme an O....."O!"
Gimme an H....."H!"
Gimme an A....."A!"
Gimme an N....."N!"
What'sat spell? Rohan!
What'sat spell? ROHAN!
What'sat spell? ROHAN!!!
Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!"
GOLDEN LANDS TOURS
GOLDEN LANDS TRAVEL are offering an exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime, lightning tour of Middle Earth.
Your journey will take you to the dizzying heights of towering mountain peaks and the dark depths of deep and wondrous caverns; you will meet many of all races from happy halflings to terrible trolls. Indulge yourself in a range of exciting and memorable experiences.
The Third Age is coming to an end and all things will not be as they once were - so book now for this never to be repeated offer.
Middle Earth is waiting for you........
DAY 1
Arrive in the Shire and stay at a charming little hobbit home (mind your head!) in this quaint and rustic region.
You have been cordially invited by the fun-loving Sackville-Bagginses to attend a party in your honour in which there will be much eating, merriment, eating, drinking and eating.
DAY 2
Visit the pipe factory in Hobbiton and listen enraptured to a morning lecture on the history of tobacco in the Shire. Try out some of Hobbiton's finest weed - but don't smoke it all at once!
All travellers will be offered a free pipe as a token of good will.
DAY 3
Start the day with a rigorous ramble through the rural charm of the Shire to the busy town of Bree. Be prepared to eat off the land and be chased through ripening cornfields by hordes of angry farmers - don't worry, it's all part of the scrumping fun!
An evening of drunken revelry awaits you at "The Prancing Pony" in the capable hands of Mr Butterbur. There are some real characters at this lively pub - so hang onto your valuables.
DAY 4
Explore the dark and mysterious reaches of the famous Old Forest. Hug a tree but be careful - it might just hug you back!
Accommodation is provided by Bombadil B & B, so allow yourself to sit by the fire and let old Tom and Goldberry sing you to sleep.
DAY 5
We then take an exciting cross-country horse trek through the breathtaking wilderness. Prepare for an exhilarating adventure as you are chased by nine demonic riders scouring the countryside looking for you.
Race across the river Bruinen in fear of your life and gaze in wonder as the river transforms itself into a raging torrent.
DAY 6
Marvel at the beautiful waterfalls and mountains of Rivendell, home of the magical elves.
Lord Elrond will personally welcome you with an offering of lembas.
Travellers are granted free entry to the Isildur Museum - but please take care not to touch the broken shards of the sword Narsil.
DAY 7
Hang onto your hats as you enter the spooky mines of Moria, a cavernous, atmospheric wonder. Ghosts and ghouls, cave trolls and balrogs, orcs by the hundred - we have 'em all! This is Halloween Night for real. Don't forget to bring a good torch and wear some asbestos.
NOTE: Sufferers of claustrophobia and those with a heart condition are advised not to participate in this part of the tour.
DAY 8
We divert for a special visit to the fabled tower of Orthanc at Isengard. You can marvel at how the local forest has been eliminated, then miraculously transformed into a hive of activity for the armaments industry.
Our gracious Host, Saruman the White, will present a miracle in bio-engineering with his new species, the Uruk-Hai.
DAY 9
An arboreal wonder awaits you in the fabled forest of Lothlorien.
Spend an enchanting night in a Mallorn tree while the heartbreaking Elvish songs from Saturday's Karaoke lull you to blissful slumber.
If you are so favoured, you could even have a flutter on the horses in Galadriel's mirror.
DAY 10
Next, we embark on a fabulous journey down the mighty River Anduin. Marvel at the Argonath, the Pillars of the Kings, and discover the ruins of dynasties long since passed.
Relax as your guides gently steer the boat down this beautiful waterway, flanked with lush woodland.
NOTE: The orc-ish hordes have, of late, been a little prevalent in the region so all travellers will be issued with shields and safety helmets.
DAY 11
We continue our amazing journey by taking a day out in wonderful Rohan. Out here on the endless plains, you'll find welcome solitude - or even yourself.
The local Rohirrim will teach our party many aspects of horsemanship, followed by a lively performance of sword-play, spear hunting and archery from these doughty warriors.
You will spend an adventurous night in a tithe barn on a genuine bed of straw.
DAY 12
Finally, the fabled city of Minas Tirith awaits your pleasure - and the timing couldn't be better. Soak in the atmosphere of this jewel in the crown of Gondor as brightly coloured soldiers prepare for the glory of war. From the (relative) safety of your luxury apartments, you can thrill to the spectacle of dark armies of evil amassing in Pelennor Fields; then watch enraptured as fireballs light up the night and cascade into the city. If you're lucky, you may even spot a winged Ringwraith, so keep an eye out.
DAY 13
A very special day has also been arranged in association with a rival company.
As part of an extraordinary one-off event, GWAIHIR AIR TOURS will take our guests for an awesome bird's eye view over the dark lands of Mordor. Nestled within the wings of an eagle, we will transcend the formidable Ash and Shadowy mountains and sweep over the the rugged Plateau of Gorgoroth, taking in the Dead Marshes and Mount Doom. This truly is an awesome place and like none other in Middle Earth!
In an exclusive arrangement with Lord Sauron, guests may stay for one night in the unfurnished but secure rooms at Barad-dur where, we are assured, we will be accorded the customary hospitality of our host.
DAY 14
Finally, we will make our journey home, having sampled the many delights of this remarkable land.
Our GOLDEN LANDS guests will have the opportunity to purchase many souvenirs from the trip such as toy palantirs, "Gondor Forever!" t-shirts, orc masks for Halloween and near-authentic Rings of Power.
WE GUARANTEE AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE!
NEW AGE HEALING
In the aftermath of the brutal War of the Ring
Madame Alvina is offering cut price alternative healing
for any distressed survivors of Sauron’s army.
In a spirit of peace and forgiveness,
she offers the blessings of reconciliation
and a chance to rejoin the cosmic community.
Are your swarthy limbs aching, your misshapen head
pounding from the toil of war and battle?
An 8 week course of Yoga, Meditation and Group Tai Chi
will have you back on your grimy feet in no time!
Feeling lost and alone without a Master to give you fulfilment?
Fear not! Join the Healing Workshop and put meaning back into your sordid existence by connecting with your Spirit Guide
Suffering a guilty conscience from all that environmental damage?
Learn the art of tree hugging, shamanic drumming and be at One
with Middle Earth in a sacred sweat lodge
Are you tormented by dreams of life in another time?
An intensive therapy of hypnotic regression and dream interpretation
will put you in touch with your reincarnated elf-self
Have you sank into a pit of alcoholic despair of doom?
Cast away that orc-liquor and begin your holistic journey
of spiritual sobriety and enlightenment
Madame Alvina is a qualified reflexologist, psychic healer
and guardian priestess of the Sacred Book of Argos.
She aims to relieve the suffering of our
orc-ish brethren by helping them rediscover their inner
child through personal growth
Forget the Third and Fourth Age - this is the Age of Aquarius!
"MASTER OF MORDOR" - a revisionist biography of Sauron
INTERVIEWER:
Forty years after the War of the Ring, when it’s thought that there is nothing new to be said about these events, a new and provocative volume has been released. This evening, we speak to its author, Dorgo Scriba who has achieved the impossible - a sympathetic biography of Sauron. Tonight I’ll be challenging some of his extraordinary and controversial assertions.
Welcome, Dorgo. First, may I ask what compelled you to write such a defensive argument for someone who many regard as a monster?
DORGO: My research has lead me to believe that, contrary to popular opinion, the Great Sauron was not a merciless demon but a much maligned leader.
He was merely trying to bring order to chaos, where the wagons would run on time and everyone would have a job.
In fact, I have reason to believe he was planning to free all the slaves and employ them as field labourers. And to put his army of orcs to work in building a modern infrastructure.
INTERVIEWER: That’s a very radical view of the Dark Lord.
DORGO: Hah, "Dark Lord". That tired and provocative term, so often misquoted by Gondorian propaganda.
INTERVIEWER: Well, ‘Sauron’ then. I mean, this being has waged war and destruction on Middle Earth for millennia. He’s been reviled and loathed for generations. Many thousands have suffered and died as a result of his expansionist policies.
This didn’t dampen your enthusiasm?
DORGO: No, of course not. You have to accept that Sauron made certain.... errors of judgement in his early career. He was never really forgiven for the impetuosity of youth.
INTERVIEWER: Youth? He was thousands of years old!
DORGO: And in the so-called War of the Ring, he’s been made the tragic victim of a very bad press from Numenorean fables, the Gondorian media and old Rohan warriors' tales, not to mention all that mystical nonsense from the Elves.
INTERVIEWER: What about the War of the Ring? Isn’t your thesis an insult to those veterans who fought in that terrible conflict? They remember all too well the scourge of the Lidless Eye.
DORGO: There you go again! "Lidless Eye". These cheap jibes serve only to distort the true picture of a tormented genius.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, but-
DORGO: -you know why he had a lidless eye? It's nothing to do with some mythical spirit of evil. The truth is, Sauron had a severe optical deformity.
INTERVIEWER: (FLATLY) An optical deformity.
DORGO: Aggravated by all that volcanic dust from Mount Doom
INTERVIEWER: Alright, aside from Sauron’s alleged medical disorders, it doesn’t excuse the tangible and historical fact that he waged a brutal and relentless war on the peace-loving free peoples of Middle Earth.
DORGO: He wasn't “waging war”. He was liberating the oppressed people of Gondor from their enforced feudal existence.
INTERVIEWER: You expect us to believe that?
DORGO: It depends what history books you've been reading.
INTERVIEWER: Well, answer this. What about the Ring itself, the very personification of Saurons essence, soaked in evil and corrupting and damning all who touched it?
DORGO: Nonsense. He was just trying to reclaim a family heirloom.
INTERVIEWER: An heirloom?! That's painting a somewhat cosy picture, isn't it?
DORGO: Just look at the facts. First, an army of Elves and Men invade his homeland, cut the Ring off his finger, effectively annihilate him, then when the ring is found, instead of returning it to its rightful owner, they trespass on his lands again and try to chuck it down a volcano.
INTERVIEWER: (SIGHS) Alright, how about the Palantir? Look at the way he coerced and manipulated Denethor.
DORGO: Rubbish! The Palantir was just a hotline between two Heads of State.
INTERVIEWER: This is all wild speculation and subjective argument. How can you possibly excuse the massive slave labour in the Nurn fields of Mordor; the prolonged torture of victims in the tower of Barad-dur; the pillage and sacking of peaceful villages?
Are you trying to discount the historical accuracy of the entire war - or are you somehow overlooking these horrific barbarities?
DORGO: Absolutely not. All that you’ve mentioned were terrible atrocities and the perpetrators should have been punished.
INTERVIEWER: So you do think he should be held to account?
DORGO: Not at all. My research has lead me to believe that Sauron the Merciful was completely unaware of many of the atrocities being committed under his rule.
INTERVIEWER: But he was the man at the top, the leader. If not Sauron, then who else could be responsible?
DORGO: Sauron’s trusted lieutenant masterminded many of Mordor’s brutal barbarities without his master’s knowledge. This fanatical sect, led by the Witch King, met in secret and conspired to commit many appalling acts of violence in Sauron's name.
INTERVIEWER: Really? So what was this secret organisation called?
DORGO: They were called the NAZgul Inner Sanctum - or NAZIS for short.
INTERVIEWER: And you assert that Sauron was utterly ignorant about this?
DORGO: Absolutely. Not so much Sauron the Deceiver as Sauron the Deceived.
INTERVIEWER: Dorgo Scriba, regrettably we have to leave it there. You are, undeniably, as mad as a wizard but thank you for talking to us.
DORGO: Thank you.
PLAN 'B'
"Gwaihir, my friend, I'm glad you've come"
Said Gandalf the Grey (Mithrandir, to some)
"I have a dilemma, a troubling thing,
Concerning the fate of the One True Ring.
Young Frodo and Sam, at my behest
Have been sent on a desperate, terrible quest;
To journey through danger and hunger and pain,
To effect the destruction of Isildur's Bane.
To wander through marshes possessed by the dead,
And tunnels concealing unspeakable dread,
Traversing the mountains as hard as steel
In the land of shadow (it's quite an ordeal).
There's armies of orcs at the daunting Black Gate,
And the vigilant Nazgul, twisted with hate
With the cold eye of Sauron which none can subdue -
it's a hell of a thing I've asked them to do
The whole of the world is wrapped up in their fate
So here's what I'm asking, Gwaihir, my old mate;
Since this suicide mission has no guarantee,
It's time to prepare the launch of Plan 'B'.......
Just pick up the hobbits and fly to Mount Doom -
with a westerly wind, you'll get there by noon.
Then Frodo can drop the Ring in the fire,
By tea-time, they'll be back home in the Shire.
* * * * * * * * *
The problem, of course, is what happens next -
"LORD OF THE RINGS" becomes pocket-book text;
and the film will run at just ten minutes long
(hardly the stuff of legend and song)
On second thoughts, maybe it's all for the best
If Frodo and Sam take the ultimate test,
It's a farce to achieve the quest in one day
So my final answer - it's back to Plan 'A'!"
EVENING NEWS
Here is the evening news for Middle Earth....
Fearsome man-beasts are at large in Rohan! Patrolling citizens have issued a warning to be on the alert for a horde of strange and loathsome looking individuals who have assaulted a number of innocent wayfarers. From various accounts, the gang is believed to have have abducted two children, both of them boys and said to possess unusually hairy feet. The villains are described as six feet tall, orcasian with dreadlocks and a white hand imprinted on their faces. They have foul breath and a limited vocabulary. Travellers are advised to report any sightings to the nearest authorities, assuming they have escaped with their lives.
More reports from Isengard and the environmental destruction caused by the corporate strategies of Saruman. Local activists have strongly protested about the ecological damage caused by the maverick wizard’s industrial programme. The effect on local wildlife is said to be incalculable and Saruman has become the pariah of peaceful Middle Earth communities. An eyewitness said that some protesters tied themselves to trees in an attempt to prevent them being hacked down. Unfortunately, both protesters and trees have disappeared from sight.
There have been new sightings of Fish-Man near the River Anduin. The strange, slippery creature with huge eyes was apparently seen by a local forester, sitting on a log and eating a raw fish. The eyewitness alleges he was close enough to hear the creature hissing and muttering “Precious” repeatedly. Is he fact or fiction? Man or myth? Only time will tell….
Financial news…..with worried murmurs on the market of the coming Shadow, the price of gold and silver has plummeted. In desperation, the dwarves have downed tools and refuse to dig for precious metals until the market is restored. At one picket line, there were ugly scenes as five dwarves were strung up by their beards…..all the victims are currently recovering from their ordeal.
And finally, Bill the Pony comes home! Just when everyone thought he was lost forever, the tough little horse arrived in Bree, having made a remarkable journey through the wilderness.
And now, the weather….
It promises to be warm and sunny in the Shire, a perfect summer's day.
In parts of Mirkwood and the forest of Fangorn, there is an impenetrable mist; travellers are asked to proceed with caution.
In the Isengard area, the climate is somewhat changeable and unpredictable. It will blow hot and cold for a long spell.
Lothlorien however promises to be exceedingly fair and unseasonably mellow.
In Mordor, a cold front is building up. Violent storm clouds are gathering and threatening to unleash in great torrents as they proceed westwards.
In the lands of Gondor, it will feel oppressive and muggy. Turbulent weather is expected from the east.
And on the plains of Rohan, a gentle breeze will gather strength to a bracing gale and travel south to relieve Gondor.
Further news on the next Hour Glass…..
PERSPECTIVE -
From a warrior of Gondor
From over the Anduin, through Pelennor fields,
The hosts of Mordor storm from the East.
Variags of Khend who never yield
And Haradrim riding the backs of fell beasts.
The foulest orcs with a taste for man-flesh,
And trolls that make the blood run cold.
The Uruk-hai who will never rest
And other foes from tales untold.
The Nazgul King on his demon steed
Whose name alone brings utter dread;
What else can I do in this hour of need -
But lie down and pretend to be dead!
Dear Mr Tolkien,
I have ploughed through your weighty tome and find myself appalled at your poorly concealed efforts to induce and corrupt our vulnerable youngsters with an array of nefarious substances. I have five main concerns.
1. The preoccupation and, dare I say it, ecstasy, of your "hobbits" in seeking out mushrooms is quite clearly not the innocent pursuit you convey but a fervent quest for fungi of the hallucinogenic variety. The absurd behaviour exhibited by these characters such as bursting into idiotic song, pretending to be invisible and seeing gentle rivers turning into raging torrents, (not to mention the paranoid delusions of being chased by evil ghouls) are obviously products of a heavily drug induced state of mind, albeit through natural substances.
Shame on you, Mr Tolkien!
2. As for this so-called "hobbitweed". Well, really!
Did you seriously believe that any decent, intelligent adult would not see through this abysmal sham? The seemingly charming pastoral idyll you have created of gentle, country folk quietly smoking a form of home-grown tobacco does not fool me I can tell you. Aside from the obvious health risk of lung cancer and other associated diseases, this is a blatant endorsement of that deadly, brain-rotting, socially destructive drug – marijuana. You even have wise wizards smoking the foul stuff! What kind of message is going out to our potentially responsible adults of tomorrow?
Utterly irresponsible, Mr Tolkien!
3. I suppose you thought you could get away with Ent Draughts as well, didn’t you? An unusual and invigorating liquid supplement to aid growth and enhance energy levels? I don’t think so! As clear a case of promoting anabolic steroids as I’ve ever seen. Our youth need to grow through physical exercise, good food and clean living, not take short cuts by accelerating their diminutive stature with artificial potentially life-threatening drugs. Your talking tree is no better than a peddler in legally sanctioned narcotics.
Disgraceful, Mr Tolkien!
4. Now I’m no prude in matters of alcoholic consumption (I’m partial to the odd sherry at Christmas) but the frequent and pervasive use of so-called orc liquor is really taking matters too far. We accept that on occasion a few teenagers may sample the occasional under-age beer or even a tot of vodka, but the incessant guzzling of this foul tasting hundred percent moonshine is sending a clear message to youngsters that swilling this gut-rot is a socially acceptable pastime and not a slippery slope to despair and self-annihilation.
Outrageous, Mr Tolkien!
5. Don’t think you could get away with that Elvish waybread nonsense either. A miracle foodstuff that rarely goes stale, preserves its taste and promotes invigoration after just one bite? So, which corporation is paying you to insidiously promote genetically modified food? I’m quite sure that any objective analysis of this ‘lembas’ would uncover an array of artificial preservatives, colouring and a whole range of ‘E’s. No doubt we’ll soon be seeing this mutant bread on our supermarket shelves advertised as the Miracle Loaf.
Is it a coincidence that ‘lembas’ is an anagram of ‘blames’? Only time will tell where the blame truly lies in this cynical and manipulative marketing ploy.
I hope, Mr Tolkien, that you can listen to your conscience and the next edition will be free of the substance abuse you have so surreptitiously espoused.
Yours,
Outraged of Chipping Headbury